Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
did i walk over a car last night?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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