wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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