Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Randomize
