so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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