i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I want her autograph on my taint
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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