I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Randomize
