Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
