we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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