Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
