Where is the hickey?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
