Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
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Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
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I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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