Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
