sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I need a beard to bite.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
