just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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