so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Less talking, more tequila
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize