So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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