i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
