Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
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