I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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