i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
