Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
what day is it and did you see me today?
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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