over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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