Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
