i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
