There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
