I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize