I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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