Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
