Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I forget how to act sober
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
