But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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