I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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