we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
