I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
