i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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