I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
