Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
