My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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