I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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