someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
