youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
