Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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