getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
