1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
