No stitches, just platelets and will power
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
