I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Naked Twister starts at high noon
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi