You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
