there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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