the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
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