Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
