why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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