I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
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