Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
