i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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