my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
