My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
