just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
The air taste purple.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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