Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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