Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Green mimosas i think yes
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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