I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
