I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
