The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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