What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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