atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
